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| If there were no pressure for me to go to Bellingham, either from myself or social institutions or deadlines or money or anything, this is what I would do:
I would stay in Camas. I might find a roommate and move out into an apartment or something so I can get used to bugeting and paying rent, or I could pay substantial rent at my house which my mother could use as she pleased and possibly put an amount into a separate savings account that I couldn't touch. I would also plan on putting as much money as I could manage into a CD so I could make plenty of interest off my own money while I...
Would go to school at WSU Vancouver, Clark, or PSU. I'd probably just take a few classes a quarter that were definitely transferable to the university(s) I have my heart set on. They would probably not satisfying any real requirements but I would select courses that I have always wondered about so I can narrow down my practical focus of what I enjoy. For example, I have always been curious about chemistry but never took it because everybody said it was way too hard. I want to challenge that and see if it's something I actually ENJOY, or if it is something that will make me want to stab small babies in the throat.
I think I would also make more of an effort to establish a social web that I could relate to. I need to put myself outside my comfort zone socially so I can reap more benefits from it!
I would keep working at Trader Joe's, saving up money to go abroad. Then I would have more time to research my options and make friends who also might be interested in traveling OR might have some advice or knowledge or contacts that could help me make a travel plan.
I would probably stay with Chris as long as we could work things out and be happy together. Things might even out and be less stressful and things would probably be easier. We could enjoy more things. It might end and it might not. Whatever the case, I have a motto in my life that, although my intellectual, rational side is always battling against it is: "GET THE MOST OUT OF THE THINGS THAT MAKE YOU HAPPY." Whether this is a relationship or a hobby or a trip, I really want to make the best of it even if it does have and ending and even if the ending is not necessarily jovial.
That's life, isn't it? You make the best of it even if it does have a crap ending.
Sitting here in an in-between time and being consumed by my fears is literally killing me. I'm breaking out, I never eat, I have dark circles under my eyes, I cry almost every day, I worry incessantly. Obviously this is my mind communicating through my body to me that I CANNOT MAKE THIS DECISION SO RAPIDLY. Other people may be able to do so, but they aren't me, are they? It is difficult for me to make my decisions without comparing myself to other people or social standards that have been set in front of me by teachers and reinforced through my schooling and other people's point of view. I need to break away from these preconceived notions and branch off into my own being, doing what is right for ME rather than what I think will be viewed as "successful" or up-to-snuff.
I am me and there is nothing I can do--or should do!--to change that. I should play on my strengths, like my amazing ability to accomplish ANYTHING if I do it in small steps with a lot of mentoring and research, rather than throwing myself blindly into something. That is NOT my talent. I am not a free-faller. I climb up and down very high ladders step by step, memorizing the grain of each rung before I go to the next one. This is what makes me, ME. It may be a blessing but it is also a "curse." Still, I must hone that ability to my advantage.
So should I pretend like there is no pressure? I probably should. That way I won't make unhealthy decisions that are not ME but rather that little weedling, ugly voice inside of me that wants to be perfect in a damaging way rather than embracing my own perfection and being happy in my own way.
Thank you, universe, for this insight.
Love Always,
Charylie Abernathy
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| You know, it may be a good thing for me to move away. I know that it is naive to expect that my personality might change if I go somewhere else. I know that isn't going to happen. Yet at the same time I am looking for a good escape from things before they become either too good or slightly annoying. I don't want something beautiful to turn into something I want to escape from, so I guess I'm just trying to escape before I get sick of it. Hmmm. Weird theory, huh?
I'm probably being much too vague right now.
I'm talking about escaping my relationship by going to Bellingham in January. But I'm not sure if I want to go to Bellingham based on a few things.
Firstly, I am absolutely terrified of living on my own. I'm afraid that I might fail and end up having to move back home. I'm not worried about school. School is an environment that I understand and thrive in. It has a system that I can readily accept, follow, and recognize as long as my teachers inform me of what is expected of me. Once that is laid out I can simply achieve to their expectations and succeed. My own expectations are a different matter. Living on my own and BEING SINGLE (which is something I would like to explore) is something I know nothing about and have no concrete expectations for. Thus, I am positively terrified of doing either of those things--two things I would like to accomplish on my own.
Second, I am not sure that leaving is all that great an idea. I have become attached not only to Chris but also to Alicia and my new co-workers. My relationships with my mother and my grandparents are very important to me. I tend to get home-sick and lonely easily. Without the ability to simply go home and cry in my mom's arms or go back to my apartment and curl up in bed with someone to love and comfort me, how will I deal with the harsh realities of life? I have never been all-too-well equipped to deal with the disappointments and ugly pieces of life. Throughout the years I have noticed that I am particularly sensitive and easily angered/depressed concerning the regular, bland, everyday motions of modern life.
All of these things are earnest concerns for me. I have difficulty making a decision.
Hmmmm well, if you didn't know my deepest fears, you now do. Have a good day!
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| Since I've written on here. Almost exactly a month--jesus. Right now I'm at Brewed Awakenings with Alicia sipping on some bitter coffee because I didn't want to feel like a total internet mooch, although that's the only reason I'm here. 
Life has been crazzzy. I am still with Chris. I guess we'll just say that we're "going out." I hate it when people ask. It makes the entire situation AWKWARD AS HELL. Ugh. Our relationship is actually pretty awesome. I'm much happier than I ever would have expected. It's still the "honeymoon" period, but it's a damn nice time to be going through. 
A couple of days ago I had an interview at Trader Joe's and I GOT THE JOB!!! Yay-yuh, mothafuckas. I'm very happy about it.
Moving up to Bellingham in January. I'm scared. I try not to think about it.
I love you guys! Hope life is treating you just as well.
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| I haven't written on here in a long time!
Too bad--there's nothing to write about!!
If you know anybody in Bellingham who needs a roommate January 2008?
OOOOH YEAH!!! Holy crap life is weird. I'm feeling pretty happy, even if I am rather pessimistic....
<3<3<3<3
Happy happy joy joy!
`c.abernathy
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| Mmm. So today I taught private lessons. This was the first time I had actually taught private lessons. Have had classes with only 1 or 2 kids in them, so I am used to working one-on-one. However, those lessons usually have a prescribed ability level that the kids are supposed to have (though parents often ignore that....) and thus, as a teacher, I generally know how much experience the kids have in the water. This experience was different because I had absolutely no idea what their skill level might be before i met them.
Talk about improvisation! 
It was interesting. There was this little girl named Maddie who is a "selective mute," meaning that she doesn't talk to you even though she can and she completely understands you. She was a good kid, though. I almost like that she doesn't talk! I just asked her a lot of yes or no questions.  She was cute...I think I have taught her lessons before last year or the year before.
Last night I had the most beautiful run I have ever had. I never realized how wonderful it is to go running by yourself in the rain. I usually abhor running by myself, and it is difficult for me to go running alone no matter what the weather is like.
The forest seemed ...alive. The rain falling down through the branches was like listening to the ocean, and the trees gently curved over me and intertwined so tightly I felt like I was walking through a hushed cathedral. Certain trails where there were many old trees were breathtaking. It was as if I was a visitor running through some ancient, sacred place......
Mmmm. Delicious. 
Life right now is interesting. I'm not sure what to make of it, but I am trying my best to be a "good kid."
Trying=key word.
Love,
Charylie Abernathy
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